The ease of negativity

Last week I reflected on choosing calm. This week, let's talk about when negativity takes over.

The thing about creating habits for self-improvement later in life, is that you are working against many years of programming towards the opposite. Whether you're looking to improve wellness habits, sleep habits, money habits, whatever it is, change requires a few key steps.

First, a deep awareness of when you become triggered towards the past tendency. Next, once the lightbulb goes off, it takes consistent effort to reprogram your brain, alongside consistent action to build the new neuro-pathways to concretize the new habit.

I consider myself to have a growth mindset. I believe we are all capable of immense change, and I am always willing to do the work to get there. The thing is, when it comes to believing in my self, or going all in on me, I can sometimes fall short when taking the leap from concept to action. When moving from idea to execution. 

For those of us who have a tendency towards the negative we often find a strange comfort in negative thinking and beliefs. They've served us well for so long (or so ego likes to have us think) but really, they've kept us stuck.

For me, this realization came to a head tonight when Mitch came into the kitchen and asked me what's wrong. You see, I had my head buried in my arms, and I was slumped over the counter. I was the human equivalent of a puddle.

The last few days have been particularly hard in my mind as I've had another back spasm and, following the launch of my Instagram growth plan, and after making some key investments in myself and the business, I've had a lot of imposter syndrome rear it's head making me feel small and making me question what I'm doing. I recognize this comfy blanket of negativity and self-doubt, and there's a part of me that's enjoyed being nestled in it for the past few days.

Now, I'm sharing this so candidly because that's what I've promised myself to do here. To be honest with each of you, to ensure that we all know we're in this together -- the highs and lows.

During this time, I have been sick with something I like to call 'emotional constipation'. The inability (or unwillingness) to name the discomfort I'm feeling, or to face it at all. When this happens, negativity reigns, and I can have some physical symptoms arise (hey there back spasm). But the past few years of being sick have given me a bit of a tool kit, and framework for identifying what's happening and to actively pivot towards change and improvement before things compound.

Part one: name the pain. Name the negativity. Let it live. Let it be real.

Part two: release and heal. To do this, I write. I talk it out with Mitch, my friends, or my coach. I feel it out. And I do my best not to judge any part of the process.

So here I am doing the healthy thing and writing it out. Mitch and I talked things out (and tears were of course shed), and I realized tonight's lesson is that I must value my self and this work I do even more -- I have to keep coming back to my 'why' especially on the hardest of days. I also realized that I must become even more gentle with myself (I have improved immensely with this the last year, and I've got some more room to grow). I can serve no one when I become paralyzed by negativity and self-judgement.

This has been a key year in discovering so much self-love, but the thing about being well in our minds and bodies is that we have to actively choose it every single day. That's the toughest part, especially when we're sick, or low energy, or in pain. We have to choose to heal. We have to choose to rise.

We don't often get to hear this, but I want you to know that I believe in you on the hard days, and I believe in you on the good ones. I believe in you when you're uplifted by your own greatness, but also when you've succumb to whatever pain and hardship has come up in your life. None of it defines you. You are whole and worthy through it all. All of these things I am saying to myself as well.

In an attempt to wrap this letter up, I just want to say, we are all imperfectly perfect. Whatever your day is like today, know that showing up for it is enough. Make the most of it in whatever way you can without judgement. That's what I'm trying to do tonight.

Until next week,

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